change
Time has changed all of us and the more we change, the more we close off ourselves from each other. Some of us have left, and some stayed waiting for a change in the changed. Will we honestly get what we want in the end without a newer and better change?
Honestly, I don’t even know my “friends” anymore or if they are even my “friends”. One of them recently broke up with another and now he doesn’t even hang out with us anymore. Recently I’ve been thinking that the only reason why he stuck around with us was because of his relationship with his used-to-be girlfriend. It’s like we were nothing to him and perhaps we were never really seen as friends he could rely on. I want to believe in him but my doubt is growing nevertheless. This other girl in our group never talks to me anymore about things that I should know. I get the feeling that she doesn’t seem to care about a friendship that I’m trying to save. I care so much to the point that I have to not care in order to care. This applies to the rest too. I can’t talk to them anymore about things and I have nobody to rely on.
All I have is myself and although I hardened my feelings and emotions years ago, this darkness just keeps coming back to me. I’m not even sure if I want to be saved anymore since this is the only time when I feel alive and real. The fake happiness is too much for me. Maybe that’s why people say that I’m always “cheerful” and is never sad. I never look sad because I can’t express my true feelings and emotions.
Can I ever truly be happy? Most likely not with all of the things I’ve gone through. More like, I don’t want to change and be happy. If change and happiness do overcome and change me, it’ll perhaps make me someone who is weak and has no solution and can’t think for herself. I can only depend on myself and happiness does not come with it.
Lately I’ve come to hate the sound of crying. It just bothers me. Why do people cry? Can’t they solve their damn probably without the need to cry? Maybe once in a while but every freaking day? Come on! Get a life!
If this is confusing you, I know. I too am confused since I’m sitting here typing at 12:13 in the morning about everything on my mind. Or maybe you haven’t even read this far. I mean why would you? You have no reason to. I have no reason to be typing this either but perhaps it will serve as a momento of how I used to be and how others used to be. Then maybe we can come back and observe the change (or none at all). Oh boy how fun.
